I have a secret

Several, actually.

Sometimes, I wish I could go to class and do work without being graded. Just to see if I would actually care. My gut tells me I would still do everything I'm taking this year, except English. If I had found myself able to conduct this experiment last year, I would have stopped caring about physics and euro. I actually might have done more work in English. Strange world.

Sometimes, I imagine a world where I'm not going to become a music teacher, and while it floats on the cusp of my imagination, I can't grab on long enough to get a clear vision. What else would I be? When all I have told myself I could possibly be has been "teacher" since I was in elementary school, I'm not quite sure what else I would do. I think I might enjoy a job where I could keep learning languages. But I'm not sure it exists. I wonder how difficult it might be to double major with French.

As time goes on, I find myself hating English class more and more. I am not a grammarian, nor am I anyone who wants to write essays for a living or analyze texts to the point where if is necessary for someone to pull us back and say "it's just a pocket watch" (Kat Bronston). That is the sort of thing that would drive me insane. I really like reading. That should be enough.

French, I just love French. That class always feels the most different from other classes. It is the one class, where I can step back and say "this grade doesn't represent me, it represents my potential". There is no rote memorization in this class. By this point we are just trying to internalize every possible thing that we can.

I can't do a direct translation of the above, but I can do a mimic.

J'adore French. C'est le class ou je peux just faire parler francais bien. Nous ne just faissons pas, nous sommes.

Really, the parts of French that annoy me the most are the parts that are begining to mimic English. Analyze this. No. I don't want to.

Calculus is a humuliating ordeal of "who can understand this crazy person the most". I don't think I've properly enjoyed math since my Freshman and half of Sophomore year teacher. He knew how to teach. It feels like far too often, math teachers know how to do, not teach.

Band... I love band. But really, I can't keep this up. I miss playing in ensembles, but then I get bored playing the same things over and over again. Nothing feels as interesting or as vibrant as it did in those early days of learning. I wish I could grasp that old excitement that came with hitting a note, rather than the newer frustration that comes with playing anything nowadays. When you're little, you think that you play fantastically, and once you're older, you realize that you suck and just keep sucking.

My room is an oven.

I don't even know.
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek