Who are..? What...? Obviously, I have no clue how to phrase the question.

So I'm just wondering today, did you all always want to be who you want to be now?

I guess that's a confusing question. I mean, are you the type of person you thought you'd be? Do you have the same aspirations you had when you were younger?

Because I was just thinking...

Well when I was growing up I was a bit of a procrastinator until 7th grade where I my lowest grade was 98% in Algebra I when I moved. But then I became a procrastinator again right when we moved, because it was so easy to do. I was always smart, but then I wanted to be smart in a different way. I didn't like that I wasn't seen as creative or athletic. I could do well on the pacer, and that was about it, and I liked the monkey bars, but that was it for athletics.

Once I started band I really loved it, but then I didn't think I was good. I caught up alright, having started a year after everyone else. And then circumstances just put me in harder bands, as far as I was concerned. For the half a year I was in choir, I managed to get a solo, but I wasn't too fussed about that. And now that I'm nearly an adult with this whole playing thing, I keep getting told that I'm good, and that I'm getting better, and doing things not really expected out of a tuba player like playing fast, or knowing my scales. But then I don't think that's a big deal. I screw up a lot. I think if I played the way I play on tuba on something comparable, I would be considered someone who sucks. It just doesn't make sense to me.

And then when I was younger my aspirations were to get into harvard and then that turned into juliard. I think that's a total laugh now, but I wonder what could have happened had I applied myself better. I mean I still doubt I could have ended up there... Really I'd just be a more frazzled and overworked version of myself who was still going to end up at the same place.

And then what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a teacher. I mean, at various points I had the extra aspiration of being an author, and at one rather insane (or perhaps simply young and naive) point I believed I could be the first woman president. I still like to write, I'm okay at it. I don't really have the stamina or ability to do it, and so it's more of a hobby - nothing I'd actually consider for a profession, because I would fail. Now I still want to be a teacher. It's firmly been a music teacher since about halfway through middle school, and this has morphed firmly into a band director, and if necessary I doubt I'd have issues teaching orchestra or choir once I know how and everything.

I mean, other than some personal growth and discovery, I haven't really changed. I'm still a smart procrastinator who could do better in school. I still lack confidence that I'm good, no matter what people keep telling me. I still want to be a teacher. The only real change is that I came to reality and gave myself a more achievable goal for my education.

So I ask you if you still are the you that you... were? Still an awkward question for phrasing... but yeah. I'm interested about how much we all are actually changing in our dreams and basic identities. I understand that in general we're becoming better people, but are we really changing otherwise?

I just don't know.
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek

PS: Anne, that sucks you're missing prom. But honestly if I had that option I would pick it before prom in a heartbeat. My issue is more that I'm spending time with a vast amount of people that I don't know or care about, spending money I don't need to spend, ect. but then I don't really want to miss out on anything if it's actually important.

Oh, and my school has just about the most insane system in the world for bringing anybody not from your school.

To Make Up For Yesterday...

I feel like I kind of need to make up for yesterday. First post in almost a month, and I yell at the world. That's not how you keep friends =)

It's going to be 60 degrees tomorrow. Sixty glorious degrees. I already have my outfit planned for this warmth. And I'll probably make the effort with my hair too. Maybe if I don't have too much homework I can have someone over tomorrow. My dad always comes home late, and my mom is going to be coming home late too, so I'm gonna order pizza and just relax. I haven't had the house to myself in so long.

And bubbles. There will be bubbles. No question.

I've been reading through Harry Potter again. I started with the fourth book this time round. I love the sixth so much though, and I just started it.

I'm kind of waking up with how warm it is lately. And my mind is exploding. I have plot bunnies left and right. Day dreams of summer. I keep craving ice cream. I keep wishing I had a camera because my school was basically built on a swamp, and it gives it the most beautiful outdoors I've had for a campus.

The only real downside to spring is that I have to start taking Claritin again. I've only ever gotten allergies in Illinois, but we're back, so here it goes again. I'm also getting a hair cut this weekend (It's gotten rather long since I cut it to my shoulders, so I think I'll be doing that, but with layers this time, and better bangs), and new glasses. I should have gotten new glasses two years ago, so I'm well overdue. My lenses are actually in the process of deteriorating, which really doesn't help with seeing.

Prom is in two months. It's on a boat. I just... a boat? *sigh* You read the itinerary and you can clearly understand why they're doing it though. They don't want all the partying to happen. They literally have us from about 4:30 pm to 1:00 am. I'm not really sure if I'm gonna go. I don't really have anyone to go with. But then it's on a boat, and I would love that so much (side bar: there needs to be a betting pool on how many people will declare they are on a boat, declare themselves king of the world, and how many will barf. Oh, and can't forget the pregnancies to tally up!). Right now I'm thinking I might weigh down Niki, because I think two months is plenty of notice, and I can't really think that bringing a froshie would be... explainable? I'm not really sure how else to phrase that...

Speaking of dates, this boy in my social sphere is literally asking out every girl he knows. Totally trying to make his ex jealous, but I can't wait till he gets to me, cuz I feel like telling him off for it. Froshie boys are so dumb.

Oh, and in my absence I wrote a fringe fanfic which can be found here. Whenever I don't write anything for a while, I forget that people actually like what I write and get surprised when there are about ten reviews xD It's just something small that makes me smiley.

Feeling better
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek

PS: I'm currently looking up the link for that story, but in the process I noticed that it is my third most reviewed, third most read and my most favorited story. =)

s t r e s s

Ok, I've been downright stressed for weeks now. My hair is actually going gray! (Yes, that is correct, at the age of 16, there has been gray hair found on my noggin. It's depressing, now go away.) I'm just... Ugh. I'm not sure I could even begin to describe it.

I've cried in a few classes these past few weeks.
By eighth hour, I have no energy left, but I do my homework anyways, because better then than when I get home.
I've gained weight, and I think it's mostly because I keep telling myself if I let myself have a little junk food I will feel better.
I stared out a window for five minutes during math today. I basically wanted to jump out.
I have a large amount of tension in my back and neck and shoulders.
I sprained, and have since healed, my wrist, because I was writing too much.
With what I'm pretty sure is bronchitis, I still went to a study session with my friend for a history test.
I'm nauseous so much. Although that might be the bronchitis, because it acts up when I cough.

Usually my school day goes
1st) scramble to finish French homework, but then feel completely fine.
2nd) want to throw things at everyone and scream for them to shut up.
3rd) this class either calms me down, or is the begining of me crying.
4th) my teacher has noticed that we're all basically the walking dead.
5th) favorite class, have trouble really enjoying it
6th) squeeze in lunch. Cookie usually helps. Start playing, get bored, frustrated.
7th) just no.
8th) try to relax. Fail. Write homework in planner, and begin frustration again.


I think the worst part is that the ACT is coming. I don't give a damn about it, because I've already gotten a really good score on the practice one, and it's more than enough to get into any school I want, but it's half to all of what we do in English. They keep bringing it up everywhere. I'm ignoring it as well as I can, because I don't care but somehow it makes me more frustrated and angry.

And then of course is the fact, that I am putting in at least 4x the energy I put in last year right now, yet I'm getting the same grades. Some of them are even worse. WHY HOW?

*EXPLICATIVES!!!!*

I felt a bit better today when I put in lego hp and crucio'd and avada kedavra'd some random people. Ate a little ice cream and had a sierra mist. Felt good.

Back to feeling horrible now.

I don't get it. I'm doing it all right. But it's not working.

I'm not depressed, I know what that feels like. This feels different. But just horrible all the same. Like I keep getting kicked while I'm down.

And tomorrow I get to wake up early even though it's a late start so I can write a French essay, go to school, come home to crawl under some homework, then go to lessons where I will be in trouble for not practicing. There is no time, I've had a horrible cough that makes it hard to breathe when I play.

Fuck just lay off WORLD!
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek