Who are..? What...? Obviously, I have no clue how to phrase the question.

So I'm just wondering today, did you all always want to be who you want to be now?

I guess that's a confusing question. I mean, are you the type of person you thought you'd be? Do you have the same aspirations you had when you were younger?

Because I was just thinking...

Well when I was growing up I was a bit of a procrastinator until 7th grade where I my lowest grade was 98% in Algebra I when I moved. But then I became a procrastinator again right when we moved, because it was so easy to do. I was always smart, but then I wanted to be smart in a different way. I didn't like that I wasn't seen as creative or athletic. I could do well on the pacer, and that was about it, and I liked the monkey bars, but that was it for athletics.

Once I started band I really loved it, but then I didn't think I was good. I caught up alright, having started a year after everyone else. And then circumstances just put me in harder bands, as far as I was concerned. For the half a year I was in choir, I managed to get a solo, but I wasn't too fussed about that. And now that I'm nearly an adult with this whole playing thing, I keep getting told that I'm good, and that I'm getting better, and doing things not really expected out of a tuba player like playing fast, or knowing my scales. But then I don't think that's a big deal. I screw up a lot. I think if I played the way I play on tuba on something comparable, I would be considered someone who sucks. It just doesn't make sense to me.

And then when I was younger my aspirations were to get into harvard and then that turned into juliard. I think that's a total laugh now, but I wonder what could have happened had I applied myself better. I mean I still doubt I could have ended up there... Really I'd just be a more frazzled and overworked version of myself who was still going to end up at the same place.

And then what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a teacher. I mean, at various points I had the extra aspiration of being an author, and at one rather insane (or perhaps simply young and naive) point I believed I could be the first woman president. I still like to write, I'm okay at it. I don't really have the stamina or ability to do it, and so it's more of a hobby - nothing I'd actually consider for a profession, because I would fail. Now I still want to be a teacher. It's firmly been a music teacher since about halfway through middle school, and this has morphed firmly into a band director, and if necessary I doubt I'd have issues teaching orchestra or choir once I know how and everything.

I mean, other than some personal growth and discovery, I haven't really changed. I'm still a smart procrastinator who could do better in school. I still lack confidence that I'm good, no matter what people keep telling me. I still want to be a teacher. The only real change is that I came to reality and gave myself a more achievable goal for my education.

So I ask you if you still are the you that you... were? Still an awkward question for phrasing... but yeah. I'm interested about how much we all are actually changing in our dreams and basic identities. I understand that in general we're becoming better people, but are we really changing otherwise?

I just don't know.
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek

PS: Anne, that sucks you're missing prom. But honestly if I had that option I would pick it before prom in a heartbeat. My issue is more that I'm spending time with a vast amount of people that I don't know or care about, spending money I don't need to spend, ect. but then I don't really want to miss out on anything if it's actually important.

Oh, and my school has just about the most insane system in the world for bringing anybody not from your school.