Perfectionism

Today, I got up in front of my french class, and I could only speak for 50/60 seconds.

Here's the thing, this happens to other people all the time, and they don't give a shit. But I care far too much. I need to be able to do everything that I want to do well. I nearly cry when I feel like I'm putting in lots of effort for no end.

I have a tendency, when I get one question wrong on a test, to go crazy with myself over why I didn't get it right. Heck, I got a 100% on a test for AP econ, and I still am really worried about the one question that I wasn't sure of my answer, because why wasn't I sure? I should have been sure.

The reason I'm thinking about all of this, is because it is bothering me more and more that there are so many people at my school who want to do something with music, and they just imply that they have everything under control when they haven't even really looked at schools, or audition materials. I've built this all up in my head to such a huge level since sixth grade, and then I come here and it's just some commonplace thing. You like music, why not major in music ed? Never mind that you haven't been focused on how to get there for the past five or six years while I've been concerned and worried about every note that I haven't been able to play to my perceived level of perfect.

I feel like I'm letting myself and teachers and my parents down more and more everyday, because I can't do everything. I'm not going to be able to keep the straight A's I have right now. I'm going to do worse in English, and in French, and my grade will never stay up. I'll always be concerned with the fact that I just don't get what's going on, when I've always been the person who's supposed to know everything.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NATHAN, STOP CALLING ME A GENIUS AND ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR HOMEWORK. I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWERS AND I DON'T CARE.

Do your own damn homework.

And to my band director, stop looking at me like I'm crazy for taking five AP classes this year. I'm not crazy. I just don't know any other way to be great anymore.

I really need some hot chocolate.
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek