I feel so rusty at the rambley-not-at-all angry-or-teenagerish-other-than-a-sense-of-naiveity blog posts. Just in general lately, it seems that everyone fell into the post BEDA rut of September (regardless of whether or not they were doing it) and are just trying to get back into the swing of things since it's October now.
So, school is going well. I just brought my English grade back up from a B+ to an A-, thus returning my GPA to a ridiculously high 4.7. I haven't done this well in school since the 7th grade where I was skipped up, and then proceeded to never completely regain my footing, but baby, the footing is BACK! Just in time for me to go to college and lose that footing all over again in a year. Ah well, win some, lose some.
Did IMEA auditions on Wednesday... yeah, if I get in, it will be a MIRACLE. I used to practice maybe the night before an audition and get into things (even if they were, admittedly, all last chair or one next to last chair), but this time I practiced for weeks when I could get the chance, and I just faltered. Nerves never get in the way when you barely practice and don't take everything to be such a big deal, but when you work for weeks... well it all just crashes around you. I told my band director about my screw ups, and she just said "well we'll see". I'm pretty sure she was just being nice. Everyone else was just amazing and I just... *sigh*
So now that IMEA is over, I have one month to prepare for my VanderCook auditions (which I must finish the application for THIS WEEKEND, no compromising*), and my lesson instructor wants me to use my IMEA music again, which I just think is the stupidest thing I could do, because every good tuba player in the state has seen and played that music, and it's an in state school... Just no. If I have to go behind his back to prepare for my auditions, I'll do it, because that just feels like the stupidest thing to do, playing that music again. And then I can just ask for my band director's help a couple times so that I'm not completely alone in this.
And on top of all of this is jazz band, and soon it's winter guard, and then idk if my math teacher is still trying to coerce me onto the math team, and there's still college applications for U of I and OSU and Butler, and my theory teacher thinks that I shouldn't let myself be intimidated by U Mich and just ugh. I feel so bad for Kat. She isn't entirely sure what she wants to do, and is basically just applying to a mish-mash of about 10-15 schools.
One point of sanity - marching band ends soon.
And then one absolutely wonderful thing. My brand spanking new tuba should be arriving Monday. I was going to be getting a used one, but the one that arrived was horribly shipped by the company, and had a huge unnamed dent on the bell, so that got sent back, and they sent my tuba already and. AHHH I JUST CAN'T WAIT.
But the real question is, what do I name my tuba? Suggestions below would be absolutely wonderful (and please avoid Harry Potter names, or names that are in any tv show I usually mention, the tuba needs to be its own person).
How have you been?
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek
*Not that I haven't said for the past two weekends that I would do it THAT WEEKEND. But, really, my french teacher has finished my recommendation, so I really should get on this.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
I have a secret
Several, actually.
Sometimes, I wish I could go to class and do work without being graded. Just to see if I would actually care. My gut tells me I would still do everything I'm taking this year, except English. If I had found myself able to conduct this experiment last year, I would have stopped caring about physics and euro. I actually might have done more work in English. Strange world.
Sometimes, I imagine a world where I'm not going to become a music teacher, and while it floats on the cusp of my imagination, I can't grab on long enough to get a clear vision. What else would I be? When all I have told myself I could possibly be has been "teacher" since I was in elementary school, I'm not quite sure what else I would do. I think I might enjoy a job where I could keep learning languages. But I'm not sure it exists. I wonder how difficult it might be to double major with French.
As time goes on, I find myself hating English class more and more. I am not a grammarian, nor am I anyone who wants to write essays for a living or analyze texts to the point where if is necessary for someone to pull us back and say "it's just a pocket watch" (Kat Bronston). That is the sort of thing that would drive me insane. I really like reading. That should be enough.
French, I just love French. That class always feels the most different from other classes. It is the one class, where I can step back and say "this grade doesn't represent me, it represents my potential". There is no rote memorization in this class. By this point we are just trying to internalize every possible thing that we can.
I can't do a direct translation of the above, but I can do a mimic.
J'adore French. C'est le class ou je peux just faire parler francais bien. Nous ne just faissons pas, nous sommes.
Really, the parts of French that annoy me the most are the parts that are begining to mimic English. Analyze this. No. I don't want to.
Calculus is a humuliating ordeal of "who can understand this crazy person the most". I don't think I've properly enjoyed math since my Freshman and half of Sophomore year teacher. He knew how to teach. It feels like far too often, math teachers know how to do, not teach.
Band... I love band. But really, I can't keep this up. I miss playing in ensembles, but then I get bored playing the same things over and over again. Nothing feels as interesting or as vibrant as it did in those early days of learning. I wish I could grasp that old excitement that came with hitting a note, rather than the newer frustration that comes with playing anything nowadays. When you're little, you think that you play fantastically, and once you're older, you realize that you suck and just keep sucking.
My room is an oven.
I don't even know.
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek
Sometimes, I wish I could go to class and do work without being graded. Just to see if I would actually care. My gut tells me I would still do everything I'm taking this year, except English. If I had found myself able to conduct this experiment last year, I would have stopped caring about physics and euro. I actually might have done more work in English. Strange world.
Sometimes, I imagine a world where I'm not going to become a music teacher, and while it floats on the cusp of my imagination, I can't grab on long enough to get a clear vision. What else would I be? When all I have told myself I could possibly be has been "teacher" since I was in elementary school, I'm not quite sure what else I would do. I think I might enjoy a job where I could keep learning languages. But I'm not sure it exists. I wonder how difficult it might be to double major with French.
As time goes on, I find myself hating English class more and more. I am not a grammarian, nor am I anyone who wants to write essays for a living or analyze texts to the point where if is necessary for someone to pull us back and say "it's just a pocket watch" (Kat Bronston). That is the sort of thing that would drive me insane. I really like reading. That should be enough.
French, I just love French. That class always feels the most different from other classes. It is the one class, where I can step back and say "this grade doesn't represent me, it represents my potential". There is no rote memorization in this class. By this point we are just trying to internalize every possible thing that we can.
I can't do a direct translation of the above, but I can do a mimic.
J'adore French. C'est le class ou je peux just faire parler francais bien. Nous ne just faissons pas, nous sommes.
Really, the parts of French that annoy me the most are the parts that are begining to mimic English. Analyze this. No. I don't want to.
Calculus is a humuliating ordeal of "who can understand this crazy person the most". I don't think I've properly enjoyed math since my Freshman and half of Sophomore year teacher. He knew how to teach. It feels like far too often, math teachers know how to do, not teach.
Band... I love band. But really, I can't keep this up. I miss playing in ensembles, but then I get bored playing the same things over and over again. Nothing feels as interesting or as vibrant as it did in those early days of learning. I wish I could grasp that old excitement that came with hitting a note, rather than the newer frustration that comes with playing anything nowadays. When you're little, you think that you play fantastically, and once you're older, you realize that you suck and just keep sucking.
My room is an oven.
I don't even know.
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek
Saturday, September 24, 2011
I don't have much that is meaningful to say
I get a cheap thrill groping my lamp's hot light bulb in the morning.
Your cow says moo. My cao says moo too.
I really need to pee, but I doubt I'll get out of bed soon.
Take from that what you will xD
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek
Your cow says moo. My cao says moo too.
I really need to pee, but I doubt I'll get out of bed soon.
Take from that what you will xD
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Do You Remember The Days?
Do you remember the days when stalking was considered the norm, and corporations didn't try to help it along by basically making a stalking book for you?
Do you remember the days when you could simply randomly call someone to have a conversation, rather than needing to text first, and then, instead of having a short terse conversation, you talked about simply everything?
Do you remember the days when life wasn't so busy that you had to plan out your next meet up with a friend nearly three months ahead? (December 3rd, December 3rd >_<)
Do you remember the days when you could just stop by a friend's house, without calling ahead or texting ahead, or anything-ing ahead?
Do you remember the days when people hand wrote letters, and kept the letters they recieved in a box, so they could look through them again when they were older?
Do you remember the days where you could bring cookies to school for your friends and whoever just because you felt like being nice, and didn't have people you didn't know well, or that you completely detested, demanding cookies?
Do you remember the days friendship was easy? The days when friendship wasn't about getting the most attention, or shouting the most interesting thing into a room filled with other people shouting nonesense, but rather about real life interaction, and smiles, and laughter, and experiences, and being able to have a conversation with a good friend without saying a word (verbalized or textualized)?
I don't.
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek
Do you remember the days when you could simply randomly call someone to have a conversation, rather than needing to text first, and then, instead of having a short terse conversation, you talked about simply everything?
Do you remember the days when life wasn't so busy that you had to plan out your next meet up with a friend nearly three months ahead? (December 3rd, December 3rd >_<)
Do you remember the days when you could just stop by a friend's house, without calling ahead or texting ahead, or anything-ing ahead?
Do you remember the days when people hand wrote letters, and kept the letters they recieved in a box, so they could look through them again when they were older?
Do you remember the days where you could bring cookies to school for your friends and whoever just because you felt like being nice, and didn't have people you didn't know well, or that you completely detested, demanding cookies?
Do you remember the days friendship was easy? The days when friendship wasn't about getting the most attention, or shouting the most interesting thing into a room filled with other people shouting nonesense, but rather about real life interaction, and smiles, and laughter, and experiences, and being able to have a conversation with a good friend without saying a word (verbalized or textualized)?
I don't.
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Conversation
Are you hungry, or sad, or extremely happy, or bouncy, or neutral today my blog readers?
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Mhmm, I see. Well, I baked cookies for about three hours after I got home. There's plenty, would you like one?
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Alright, here you go, I hope it makes your day less hungy, or a bit better, or even awesomer (it's a word, man). *passes cookie* (::)
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You're welcome!
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek
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Mhmm, I see. Well, I baked cookies for about three hours after I got home. There's plenty, would you like one?
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Alright, here you go, I hope it makes your day less hungy, or a bit better, or even awesomer (it's a word, man). *passes cookie* (::)
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You're welcome!
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Perfectionism
Today, I got up in front of my french class, and I could only speak for 50/60 seconds.
Here's the thing, this happens to other people all the time, and they don't give a shit. But I care far too much. I need to be able to do everything that I want to do well. I nearly cry when I feel like I'm putting in lots of effort for no end.
I have a tendency, when I get one question wrong on a test, to go crazy with myself over why I didn't get it right. Heck, I got a 100% on a test for AP econ, and I still am really worried about the one question that I wasn't sure of my answer, because why wasn't I sure? I should have been sure.
The reason I'm thinking about all of this, is because it is bothering me more and more that there are so many people at my school who want to do something with music, and they just imply that they have everything under control when they haven't even really looked at schools, or audition materials. I've built this all up in my head to such a huge level since sixth grade, and then I come here and it's just some commonplace thing. You like music, why not major in music ed? Never mind that you haven't been focused on how to get there for the past five or six years while I've been concerned and worried about every note that I haven't been able to play to my perceived level of perfect.
I feel like I'm letting myself and teachers and my parents down more and more everyday, because I can't do everything. I'm not going to be able to keep the straight A's I have right now. I'm going to do worse in English, and in French, and my grade will never stay up. I'll always be concerned with the fact that I just don't get what's going on, when I've always been the person who's supposed to know everything.
AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NATHAN, STOP CALLING ME A GENIUS AND ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR HOMEWORK. I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWERS AND I DON'T CARE.
Do your own damn homework.
And to my band director, stop looking at me like I'm crazy for taking five AP classes this year. I'm not crazy. I just don't know any other way to be great anymore.
I really need some hot chocolate.
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek
Here's the thing, this happens to other people all the time, and they don't give a shit. But I care far too much. I need to be able to do everything that I want to do well. I nearly cry when I feel like I'm putting in lots of effort for no end.
I have a tendency, when I get one question wrong on a test, to go crazy with myself over why I didn't get it right. Heck, I got a 100% on a test for AP econ, and I still am really worried about the one question that I wasn't sure of my answer, because why wasn't I sure? I should have been sure.
The reason I'm thinking about all of this, is because it is bothering me more and more that there are so many people at my school who want to do something with music, and they just imply that they have everything under control when they haven't even really looked at schools, or audition materials. I've built this all up in my head to such a huge level since sixth grade, and then I come here and it's just some commonplace thing. You like music, why not major in music ed? Never mind that you haven't been focused on how to get there for the past five or six years while I've been concerned and worried about every note that I haven't been able to play to my perceived level of perfect.
I feel like I'm letting myself and teachers and my parents down more and more everyday, because I can't do everything. I'm not going to be able to keep the straight A's I have right now. I'm going to do worse in English, and in French, and my grade will never stay up. I'll always be concerned with the fact that I just don't get what's going on, when I've always been the person who's supposed to know everything.
AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NATHAN, STOP CALLING ME A GENIUS AND ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR HOMEWORK. I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWERS AND I DON'T CARE.
Do your own damn homework.
And to my band director, stop looking at me like I'm crazy for taking five AP classes this year. I'm not crazy. I just don't know any other way to be great anymore.
I really need some hot chocolate.
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Pauline
I'd like to welcome you to my friend Pauline's poetry. It is not precisely poetry because the meaning isn't hidden, and there isn't any set way that it should go (syllables, rhyming, ect). I think technically poetry has to have one of these things going on, but here is one of the most beautiful things I've read in a while:
And uh, I guess I wrote some poetry earlier today that I was going to post, but I think mine rather pales in comparison, so if you would like to read some poetry that isn't as good, and is far more depressing than uplifting you may click here.
I will try to post tomorrow!
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek
*Right before I am about to post this, she says she is working on it**, so there should be a link soonish! =)
**Link is now there... obviously. However she has yet to post.
Anyways, I'm in the process of convincing her to make a blogger, so if* she does there will be a link HERE, so that you may join me in reading some more of her wonderfulness.
And uh, I guess I wrote some poetry earlier today that I was going to post, but I think mine rather pales in comparison, so if you would like to read some poetry that isn't as good, and is far more depressing than uplifting you may click here.
I will try to post tomorrow!
~Jess the Nerdfighting BandGeek
*Right before I am about to post this, she says she is working on it**, so there should be a link soonish! =)
**Link is now there... obviously. However she has yet to post.
